<title>Weekly Whack: Twas the Night Before Christmas</title>
<font size=6><b><i>Twas the Night Before Christmas</b></i></font>
<br><br>
Twas the night before Christmas when all through Feff World;<br>
Not a creature was stirring, except for Feff's dog who drank too much    
  pineapple soda and hurled.<br>
The stockings were all hung by the chimney with care;<br>
While Feff was at the racetrack, betting his savings on a mare.<br>
The children were nestled, all safe in their beds;<br>
Thanks to Joe McCarthy, who got rid of all the Reds.<br>
And Mom in her kerchief, and I in my cap;<br>
Made plans for the revolution on the large South American map.<br>
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter;<br>
Like if Martina Navratilova was playing the drums, on her Wimbledon     
  championship platter.<br>
Away to the window, I flew like a flash;<br>
Trying hard not to scratch my venereal rash.<br>
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow;<br>
Looked so nice I wrote a song about it on my banjo.<br>
When what to my wondering eyes should appear;<br>
But a '74 Chevy Nova, with a shiny veneer.<br>
With a little old driver, so lively and quick;<br>
I knew at a moment, he was a damn lunatic.<br>
More rapid than a eagle, his Nova, it came;<br>
As he shouted out random presidents, calling them by name.<br>
Now Franklin, now Thomas, now Abraham, now John;<br>
On Woodrow, on Harry, on Lyndon, and Ron.<br>
To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall;<br>
This guy used my bushes as his personal bathroom stall.<br>
As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly;<br>
If he wasn't crazy, he surely was high.<br>
So up to the housetop, the Nova, it flew;<br>
With a trunk full of bootleg Yanni c.d.'s, and that mental patient too.<br>
And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof;<br>
The guy open a bottle of something ninety proof.<br>
As I drew in my head, and was turning around;<br>
He fell through my ceiling, landing hard on the ground.<br>
He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot;<br>
My priceless Frabrage egg, he used as a shot put.<br>
A bundle of my silverware, he flung on his back;<br>
Just my luck, he's a kleptomaniac.<br>
His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples how merry;<br>
As he stole my souvenir basketball, autographed by Cleveland Cavalier   
  Danny Ferry.<br>
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow;<br>
My Monet should look good hanging somewhere in the ghetto.<br>
The stump of his pipe, he held tight in his teeth;<br>
Why is he nailing my cat to the door like a wreath?<br>
He had a broad face, and a round little belly;<br>
And for the love of God was his breath ever smelly.<br>
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf;<br>
Must have been tough trying to carry my T.V. all by himself.<br>
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head;<br>
He has no religion, no God like my Ed.<br>
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work;<br>
Looting my house, he was such a jerk.<br>
And laying a finger along side his nose;<br>
His job was done, so up the hole in my roof he rose.<br>
He sprang to his Nova, songs from Porgy and Bess he would whistle;<br>
And away he flew, like the down of a thistle.<br>
But I heard him exclaim, as he sputtered out of sight;<br>
Happy Christmas to all, especially, star of Too Close For Comfort, the   
  late Ted Knight.<br>
<br>
<p><i>Merry Christmas to all of you, from all of us here at Feff World.</i></p>