Trick or Treat

First of all, before I get into this week's Whack, I want to apologize for the tardiness of last week's Whack. We had a hectic week, and neglected our Feff World duties. I know a great deal of people live from week to week looking foward to the Whack, but I hope I didn't let too many people down.

On to business, this past Tuesday, being the last day of October, was Halloween. Now Halloween is one of those holidays, like Arbor Day, that you either love it or hate it. Those who hate it turn off all their lights, dead-bolt their door, and listen to an Emerson Lake and Palmer eight-track while hiding in their basement. Those who love it dress themselves up as extras in a Michael Jackson video, turn their front yard into a pumpkin patch, and hand out candy as they proudly play their scary sound effects tape that they bought for 99 cents at Walgreens. As for myself, I'm somewhere in the middle, but the middle is the best place to be because you can make fun of either side. Halloween is not my favorite holiday, that will always be Boxer Day, but I can handle it once a year, unlike my tolerance for Easter which is getting less and less.

This year I went out with a group of friends, dressed as Nobel Prize winning chemist Niels Bohr, and tried to to absorb the whole Halloween experience. I noticed some interesting things that struck me as strange. Why do people still say trick or treat? Is trick even an option anymore? It must be interesting to go trick-or-treating in some red-light district. You say trick or treat on 42nd Street in New York City, and I guarantee you won't be getting Skittles. Herpes maybe, but not Skittles. And Halloween must be a grand day for bums. If I was a bum, I would go trick-or-treating the whole damn day. Get a big enough candy harvest, and you could support your family through the cold winter.

But I think kids today are forgetting the true meaning of Halloween, which is driving away evil spirits like Pat Buchanan. All kids care about is getting candy. I actually saw a couple kids trick-or-treating who didn't even have costumes on. I was like, "Uh try a little less. Why even bother?" They're like, "Let's just cut all the bullshit and give me what I want." Talk about losing the Halloween spirit. Actually in one case the joke was on me. I saw a kid wearing only a simple Nike shirt, and I was about to accost him for not wearing a costume, but he explained he was going as Phil Knight, so I apologized.

This Halloween I established a new rule: anyone wearing a Power Ranger costume gets no candy. Come on folks, it's called originality. You come to my house dressed as Jeb Stuart's horse Tony and you'll be getting some serious candy; but if you're Red Ranger then you're shit out of luck. I also hate how parents check their kids candy before they touch it. I know it is a saftey measure, but if your son or daughter can't see a three inch nail coming out of a Snickers bar, then it is time to circle the wagons. And Halloween is becoming way too comercial. It used to be just a simple pagan ritual, now it's all about money. Candy companies rake up millions every Halloween, and the makers of Clearasil and Oxy laugh all the way to the bank. But I guess Halloween is better than most holidays in that one, you don't have to visit your family, and two, you don't have to go to church before you get to the good part. So I guess when it comes down to it, Halloween is a half way decent holiday, even though they don't show the classic Garfield Halloween Special on T.V. anymore.

Well I think I will wrap up for this week, so in conclusion, I would go after Niels Bohr if I was a teenage girl living in the turn of the century, Phil Knight has a strangle hold on college athletics, and good Whacks come to those who wait.

This week's special feature is the top ten things you would have got if you went trick-or-treating at Feff's house:

10. Pennies
9. Dollar gift certificate to Denny's
8. A stick of Trident
7. Clam shells
6. Orange Tic Tacs
5. Postage stamps
4. Vintage gum from an '87 Topps pack
3. A lecture on foreign affairs in Botswana
2. Fake vampire teeth
1. Left over candy from last year!